You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
