i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
