John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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