He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
