I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
