did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
