i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
