I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
