ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
