It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
