I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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