I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
