Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
