i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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