When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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