i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
