If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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