I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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