I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
