how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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