So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
