My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
