Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
