So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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