you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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