The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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