no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
