people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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