I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
