hotel room ftw
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
