Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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