i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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