please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
