Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
