My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
