you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
