I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
