i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You left your phone here
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