I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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