I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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