i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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