I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
