why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
