perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
