K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
