i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
