i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
