he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
