Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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