ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
